The few students who ventured to campus today were surprised to discover a stark void as they crested the hill on Polk Place and stared at the strangely naked edifice of Louis Round Wilson Library (yes, that is its real name). The silhouette of makeshift turrets and pictures of narwhals that defined the “Nash-tle” were nowhere to be found in front of Wilson, leaving authorities at a loss as to the whereabouts of defeated candidate Nash Keune’s narhwhal-themed A-frame fortress. Detective/BOE Chairman Peter Gillooly does not keep office on weekends and was therefore unable to be called to the scene, so students should not expect to find a chalk outline where the castle used to stand.

How does something so large disappear so suddenly? Answer: teleportation.

Little is known about the disappearance of this beacon of jollity, which retained its whimsical narwhal drawing on the side after being transferred into the possession of Shruti Shah, who has been officially endorsed by Keune.

There was no evidence left at the sight; we ruled out an Indian attack after the word “Croatan” was absent from the marble steps of Wilson. (For those of you out there who don’t happen to be North Carolina history buffs, this is what we’re referring to.) This travesty of a disappearance can only be added to the likes of Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart on the ever-growing list of “Things That Mysteriously Disappeared”, which has garnered its own corner of the Wikipedia Universe.

We have contacted Wikipedia officials, however, regarding the fact that the great TUPAC SHAKUR did not make the list of suspicious deaths/mysterious disappearances. How do things like that happen?

Given the similarly mysterious circumstances surrounding the disappearances of both the Narwhal Castle and Tupac Shakur, as well as Hogan Medlin’s campaign’s enormous street cred, our investigative reporting team has been led to conclude that Team Hogan is actually a reincarnation of Bad Boy Records.

Team Hogan has found their niche in the music industry.

Someone call the pop culture police!

But seriously, we would really like to know how Bad Boy 2.0 managed to make off with that cumbersome contraption. Did you do it Trojan-horse style and put rollers on it? Or did you perhaps enlist the help of Xtreme sports extraordinaire Greg Strompolos and tie a bunch of skateboards together? Oh wait, that’s unlikely, since Greg also endorsed Shruti.

And Nash's castle was brought into Troy with a great rolling of wheels.

Or did you finally utilize the alien sector of the campaign group to beam it up, abduction-style? These people would back that theory up for sure, despite the fact that they have one of the creepiest URLs ever. Ever.

So where are you, Nash Keune? We’re still convinced that Nash and Co. have figured out some way to make the Nash-tle reappear in the most inconvenient spot on campus. David Copperfield will probably show up to help, too.

Administrators were left speechless upon discovering that the Nash-tle had been beamed in front of the door of the Chancellor's office.

Speaking of things in places where they shouldn’t be, how about some booze and a racetrack? Wait, that makes perfect sense. Oh, you weren’t talking about that Longchamp, you were talking about this Longchamp.

Ladies, ladies, ladies (and maybe gentlemen too), head on over to Perez’s palace of gossip to check out the new Kate Moss-approved line of alcohol transport units…by which we mean Longchamp bags.

They’re sleek (actually kind of lumpy usually), they’re stylish, and they’re sack-like enough to hold more than a fifth! A recent study found that 8 out of 10 of these “alcoholism-enabling” bags found in a classroom will have Burnett’s in them. Hey, who knew habitual intoxication could look this good?

For those of you who already downed all the alcohol you had stashed in the Longchamps you already had, probably to celebrate our favorite holiday besides National Gum Drop Day (which is tomorrow), here’s more of our take on Saint Valentine’s Day.

We noticed a disproportionately large number of joggers out on this glorious, sunny Singles Awareness Day. Why, you may ask? Because jogging buddies are actually the poor man’s psychotherapist. Provided, of course, that you have the lung capacity to keep chatting about your romantic woes for an hour. Usually one buddy does and one doesn’t, creating the pseudo-therapist/yapper dynamic.

And to the solo joggers, we don’t think Raleigh Road is a great place to improve your dating situation. You probably don’t want to go out with the rando who offers to pick you up on the side of the road and treat you to a romantic Valentine’s dinner.

As for the obligatory holiday song, this is for you people who haven’t spent the day listening to “Bad Romance” or anything by Frank Sinatra. Our favorite cynical song for February 14th is this fabulously twisted remix of “Use Somebody” by the Kings of Leon.  Taking the title literally, AC actually raps about using someone’s body. Do you think the Clefs could work this one into their repertoire? The “You using me, I’m using you, so baby who’s the tool?” line might diminish their sorority girl cred though.

As promised, here are your links for funny link Sunday, and one of them involves a Duke bash – what could be better? And you thought we didn’t love you…

1) Here’s the Dook sucks link of the week, and it makes us want to root for Dartmouth.  At first we thought this was from SNL or something due to the fact that the Dartmouth girl looks like Jimmy Falon in drag, but no, it was the real Alex Trebek! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aeCIrGywIo

2) A pair of U.S. speed skaters nab the silver and gold after a double Japanese trip-up near the finish line in Vancouver. If we could only get GM and Chevy to pull this move against Toyota and Honda, our economy would be good to go. http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-news/n/news/afp-news/short-track-speed-skating–korea%27s-lee-wins-1-500m-short-track-gold_277216LP.html

3) In case you were wondering, fellas, Snookie has revealed that she might actually qualify as a midget. We did some calculations and determined that the missing Narwhal Fortress is equivalent to approximately 2.52632 Snookies.  (That mean’s she’s 4′ 9″!!!! Do you understand how incredibly pint-sized that is?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU4r53nZfQ&feature=PlayList&p=C54EBD4F209C3007&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=108

4) There’s also no way that Wendy Williams is actually a woman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1A_sxzuBDU.

5) BBC, how could you do this to us? http://arbroath.blogspot.com/2010/02/misery-bears-valentines-day_14.html

6) An appropriate song for all you optimists on this festive day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU

7) Last but not least, this picture of Tracy Morgan is just sheer hilarity. http://gawker.com/5465321/were-still-waiting-for-the-answer-to-cop-outs-greatest-mystery

Students and faculty in both the Environmental Studies and Environmental Science departments were pleasantly surprised to hear that Student Government had taken an interest in the problems posed by runoff, students reported Wednesday.

Environmental studies professor Greg Gangi reported feelings of excitement and hope upon reading Wednesday’s Daily Tar Heel headline, “Medlin, Shah Move to Runoff.”

Dr. Greg Gangi, affectionately known as "Gangifish" to his Coral Reef Ecology students.

Traditionally, the intricacies of point source and non-point source pollution are of little importance to Student Body President candidates due to feelings that such issues are beyond the realm of Student Government. Gangi, however, hoped for a brief moment that this year would be different.

Unfortunately, as Gangi read the first paragraph of the article, the half-smile fell from his face. The article was in fact a description of Tuesday’s election results, which have necessitated a runoff election on February 16.

The results were announced at 11:06 PM Tuesday night, after a room full of nervous candidates and staffers sat through the tedious and at times awkward “portfolio” piece produced by Carolina Week.

“It was like, come on, nobody wants to hear how successful your speech therapy sessions have been,” one frustrated campaign staffer said of the laughably exaggerated enunciation employed by many Carolina Week correspondents.

Adding a further touch of absurdity to the tense situation were the words “CONDOM OLYMPICS” emblazoned in colorful letters on the whiteboards behind the podium in Carroll 111, where the results were read.

Knowing how to properly inflate a condom is key to understanding safe sex. Yes, this picture was in the DTH. Photo courtesy DTH/Margaret Cheatham Williams

According to a weak attempt at humor in Wednesday’s DTH, “Wallet rings took on the form of Olympic rings Tuesday in the Student Union, as a group of about 15 students competed in a variety of condom-themed challenges.”

We’re still not sure what this had to do with Carroll 111, but it provided a nice backdrop for the rest of the proceedings, which were carried on with the usual unnecessary pomp that accompanies Board of Elections officials with long titles, pantsuits and a really intense briefcase containing the election results.

The article went on to state that the Condom Olympics “provided students with an exercise combining competition with sexual education.” An exercise? Really? We can think of another physical activity that might combine condoms and sexual education and competition. The New York Times already sort of beat that one to death though.

However, some campus authority figures are taking proactive steps against the sexual…er, liberation advocated by the creators of the Condom Olympics and the drunk UNC students interviewed by the NYTimes: the Davis librarians have retaliated by removing the doors on the sixth-floor-Davis study carrels.

This snow monkey enjoys hot tubbing in the natural springs of both the Himalayas and the Appalachians.

Yes, that’s right, the powers-that-be at Davis, in efforts to crack down on library sexy time, have swept the doors right off their hinges and squirreled them away in some obscure closet/fluorescently lit secret passageway in that awful brick prison. (Not kidding, the guy who designed Davis is also famous for designing numerous correctional facilities.)

Well, resident library freaks, you’ll just have to move on up to the tenth floor, which was already endorsed by Playboy as one of the best spots on campus to get it on. Unless, of course, you’re into exhibitionism, and if so, you know where to find us.

On another note, students across campus were thrilled that last night’s snow storm was timed such that it ruined our desire to go out on Friday but will melt in time to ensure that we don’t get out of class on Monday.

Much to our dismay, Chapel Hill’s lack of consistent snow is also preventing the town from qualifying as a viable snow monkey relocation center. Nepalese villagers have been denying our mail order requests for about three years now, citing Chapel Hill’s “temperate” climate as the determining factor. Customs laws, apparently, were not an issue.