On the Friday before the UNC-Duke game at Carolina, it’s as if the entire campus receives a Carolina blue injection of wild, frenetic, pro-Roy, anti-Duke emotion. “Are you going?” and “What phase are you?” replace all other standard greetings, including “Hey” and “What’s up?” Thus, readers of the Daily Tar Heel undoubtedly appreciated the newspaper’s complete lack of spirit on Friday, when it ran a column titled, “Hating Duke is Good, to a Point.”

Clearly, whoever decided to run that column and display such “heart” was either a robot, an alien or a combination of both (known as an aliendroid), but not a true Tar Heel. So refresh your spirit here with one of our own fascinating findings.

We at the Daily Tar Hole have recently experienced a revelation which draws on the Harry Potter series to describe our relationship with UNC’s neighboring schools. It is as follows: UNC-Chapel Hill is Gryffindor. Duke is Slytherin. Wake Forest is Ravenclaw. And N.C. State is, obviously, Hufflepuff.

We know what you’re thinking: it makes so much sense! Like Gryffindor, we are good, we are noble, we are kind, generous and strong. We care about the community—as evidenced by how Chapel Hill thrives while Durham simply strives—we care about one another (no stepping on student’s heads to climb to the top) and well, we’re the best.

Duke, meanwhile, is exactly like Slytherin. According to Wikipedia, they are characterized by “ambition, cunning, and resourcefulness.” (You know, like hitting Tyler Hansborough in the face to try to win.) “Hunger for power” is another trait of these cowards and they are most like serpents than any other animal.

Thus, it follows that Coach K is Voldemort. Although he looks more like Professor Snape with that hook-shaped nose, Snape has that whole complicated deal where he’s actually good and there’s nothing redeeming about Coach K.

You know what’s next: as Coach K’s mortal enemy, and the symbol of all that is good as well as great, that makes Roy our Dumbledore. The kindly, twinkling blue eyes, the magical wisdom, the commitment to sportsmanship and fairness above winning…nothing could fit more perfectly.

The loathsome Greg Paulus equates to Draco Malfoy—they even look kind of alike, though we would argue that Malfoy is more attractive.

SO Draco.

And who is our Harry Potter? Easy: Tyler Hansbrough. The two share flawed eyesight, and just as we’ve seen Harry Potter lose his glasses in a Quidditch match, we’ve watched Tyler lose his contacts on the basketball court. As far as his pals, we’d argue that Bobby Frasor is Ron Weasley and that Ty Lawson is Hermione.

The Chosen One!!!!!!!!!

So, it’s not perfect, but we think it’s PDC (pretty damn close). Ahem, on a closing note—you know that would make the Daily Tar Heel a combination of the Daily Prophet and Quibbler, its editor Rita Skeeter…and us your Weasley twins and Lee Jordan.

Go Heels!