The few students who ventured to campus today were surprised to discover a stark void as they crested the hill on Polk Place and stared at the strangely naked edifice of Louis Round Wilson Library (yes, that is its real name). The silhouette of makeshift turrets and pictures of narwhals that defined the “Nash-tle” were nowhere to be found in front of Wilson, leaving authorities at a loss as to the whereabouts of defeated candidate Nash Keune’s narhwhal-themed A-frame fortress. Detective/BOE Chairman Peter Gillooly does not keep office on weekends and was therefore unable to be called to the scene, so students should not expect to find a chalk outline where the castle used to stand.

How does something so large disappear so suddenly? Answer: teleportation.

Little is known about the disappearance of this beacon of jollity, which retained its whimsical narwhal drawing on the side after being transferred into the possession of Shruti Shah, who has been officially endorsed by Keune.

There was no evidence left at the sight; we ruled out an Indian attack after the word “Croatan” was absent from the marble steps of Wilson. (For those of you out there who don’t happen to be North Carolina history buffs, this is what we’re referring to.) This travesty of a disappearance can only be added to the likes of Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart on the ever-growing list of “Things That Mysteriously Disappeared”, which has garnered its own corner of the Wikipedia Universe.

We have contacted Wikipedia officials, however, regarding the fact that the great TUPAC SHAKUR did not make the list of suspicious deaths/mysterious disappearances. How do things like that happen?

Given the similarly mysterious circumstances surrounding the disappearances of both the Narwhal Castle and Tupac Shakur, as well as Hogan Medlin’s campaign’s enormous street cred, our investigative reporting team has been led to conclude that Team Hogan is actually a reincarnation of Bad Boy Records.

Team Hogan has found their niche in the music industry.

Someone call the pop culture police!

But seriously, we would really like to know how Bad Boy 2.0 managed to make off with that cumbersome contraption. Did you do it Trojan-horse style and put rollers on it? Or did you perhaps enlist the help of Xtreme sports extraordinaire Greg Strompolos and tie a bunch of skateboards together? Oh wait, that’s unlikely, since Greg also endorsed Shruti.

And Nash's castle was brought into Troy with a great rolling of wheels.

Or did you finally utilize the alien sector of the campaign group to beam it up, abduction-style? These people would back that theory up for sure, despite the fact that they have one of the creepiest URLs ever. Ever.

So where are you, Nash Keune? We’re still convinced that Nash and Co. have figured out some way to make the Nash-tle reappear in the most inconvenient spot on campus. David Copperfield will probably show up to help, too.

Administrators were left speechless upon discovering that the Nash-tle had been beamed in front of the door of the Chancellor's office.

Speaking of things in places where they shouldn’t be, how about some booze and a racetrack? Wait, that makes perfect sense. Oh, you weren’t talking about that Longchamp, you were talking about this Longchamp.

Ladies, ladies, ladies (and maybe gentlemen too), head on over to Perez’s palace of gossip to check out the new Kate Moss-approved line of alcohol transport units…by which we mean Longchamp bags.

They’re sleek (actually kind of lumpy usually), they’re stylish, and they’re sack-like enough to hold more than a fifth! A recent study found that 8 out of 10 of these “alcoholism-enabling” bags found in a classroom will have Burnett’s in them. Hey, who knew habitual intoxication could look this good?

For those of you who already downed all the alcohol you had stashed in the Longchamps you already had, probably to celebrate our favorite holiday besides National Gum Drop Day (which is tomorrow), here’s more of our take on Saint Valentine’s Day.

We noticed a disproportionately large number of joggers out on this glorious, sunny Singles Awareness Day. Why, you may ask? Because jogging buddies are actually the poor man’s psychotherapist. Provided, of course, that you have the lung capacity to keep chatting about your romantic woes for an hour. Usually one buddy does and one doesn’t, creating the pseudo-therapist/yapper dynamic.

And to the solo joggers, we don’t think Raleigh Road is a great place to improve your dating situation. You probably don’t want to go out with the rando who offers to pick you up on the side of the road and treat you to a romantic Valentine’s dinner.

As for the obligatory holiday song, this is for you people who haven’t spent the day listening to “Bad Romance” or anything by Frank Sinatra. Our favorite cynical song for February 14th is this fabulously twisted remix of “Use Somebody” by the Kings of Leon.  Taking the title literally, AC actually raps about using someone’s body. Do you think the Clefs could work this one into their repertoire? The “You using me, I’m using you, so baby who’s the tool?” line might diminish their sorority girl cred though.

As promised, here are your links for funny link Sunday, and one of them involves a Duke bash – what could be better? And you thought we didn’t love you…

1) Here’s the Dook sucks link of the week, and it makes us want to root for Dartmouth.  At first we thought this was from SNL or something due to the fact that the Dartmouth girl looks like Jimmy Falon in drag, but no, it was the real Alex Trebek! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aeCIrGywIo

2) A pair of U.S. speed skaters nab the silver and gold after a double Japanese trip-up near the finish line in Vancouver. If we could only get GM and Chevy to pull this move against Toyota and Honda, our economy would be good to go. http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-news/n/news/afp-news/short-track-speed-skating–korea%27s-lee-wins-1-500m-short-track-gold_277216LP.html

3) In case you were wondering, fellas, Snookie has revealed that she might actually qualify as a midget. We did some calculations and determined that the missing Narwhal Fortress is equivalent to approximately 2.52632 Snookies.  (That mean’s she’s 4′ 9″!!!! Do you understand how incredibly pint-sized that is?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU4r53nZfQ&feature=PlayList&p=C54EBD4F209C3007&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=108

4) There’s also no way that Wendy Williams is actually a woman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1A_sxzuBDU.

5) BBC, how could you do this to us? http://arbroath.blogspot.com/2010/02/misery-bears-valentines-day_14.html

6) An appropriate song for all you optimists on this festive day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU

7) Last but not least, this picture of Tracy Morgan is just sheer hilarity. http://gawker.com/5465321/were-still-waiting-for-the-answer-to-cop-outs-greatest-mystery

Students and faculty in both the Environmental Studies and Environmental Science departments were pleasantly surprised to hear that Student Government had taken an interest in the problems posed by runoff, students reported Wednesday.

Environmental studies professor Greg Gangi reported feelings of excitement and hope upon reading Wednesday’s Daily Tar Heel headline, “Medlin, Shah Move to Runoff.”

Dr. Greg Gangi, affectionately known as "Gangifish" to his Coral Reef Ecology students.

Traditionally, the intricacies of point source and non-point source pollution are of little importance to Student Body President candidates due to feelings that such issues are beyond the realm of Student Government. Gangi, however, hoped for a brief moment that this year would be different.

Unfortunately, as Gangi read the first paragraph of the article, the half-smile fell from his face. The article was in fact a description of Tuesday’s election results, which have necessitated a runoff election on February 16.

The results were announced at 11:06 PM Tuesday night, after a room full of nervous candidates and staffers sat through the tedious and at times awkward “portfolio” piece produced by Carolina Week.

“It was like, come on, nobody wants to hear how successful your speech therapy sessions have been,” one frustrated campaign staffer said of the laughably exaggerated enunciation employed by many Carolina Week correspondents.

Adding a further touch of absurdity to the tense situation were the words “CONDOM OLYMPICS” emblazoned in colorful letters on the whiteboards behind the podium in Carroll 111, where the results were read.

Knowing how to properly inflate a condom is key to understanding safe sex. Yes, this picture was in the DTH. Photo courtesy DTH/Margaret Cheatham Williams

According to a weak attempt at humor in Wednesday’s DTH, “Wallet rings took on the form of Olympic rings Tuesday in the Student Union, as a group of about 15 students competed in a variety of condom-themed challenges.”

We’re still not sure what this had to do with Carroll 111, but it provided a nice backdrop for the rest of the proceedings, which were carried on with the usual unnecessary pomp that accompanies Board of Elections officials with long titles, pantsuits and a really intense briefcase containing the election results.

The article went on to state that the Condom Olympics “provided students with an exercise combining competition with sexual education.” An exercise? Really? We can think of another physical activity that might combine condoms and sexual education and competition. The New York Times already sort of beat that one to death though.

However, some campus authority figures are taking proactive steps against the sexual…er, liberation advocated by the creators of the Condom Olympics and the drunk UNC students interviewed by the NYTimes: the Davis librarians have retaliated by removing the doors on the sixth-floor-Davis study carrels.

This snow monkey enjoys hot tubbing in the natural springs of both the Himalayas and the Appalachians.

Yes, that’s right, the powers-that-be at Davis, in efforts to crack down on library sexy time, have swept the doors right off their hinges and squirreled them away in some obscure closet/fluorescently lit secret passageway in that awful brick prison. (Not kidding, the guy who designed Davis is also famous for designing numerous correctional facilities.)

Well, resident library freaks, you’ll just have to move on up to the tenth floor, which was already endorsed by Playboy as one of the best spots on campus to get it on. Unless, of course, you’re into exhibitionism, and if so, you know where to find us.

On another note, students across campus were thrilled that last night’s snow storm was timed such that it ruined our desire to go out on Friday but will melt in time to ensure that we don’t get out of class on Monday.

Much to our dismay, Chapel Hill’s lack of consistent snow is also preventing the town from qualifying as a viable snow monkey relocation center. Nepalese villagers have been denying our mail order requests for about three years now, citing Chapel Hill’s “temperate” climate as the determining factor. Customs laws, apparently, were not an issue.

Students who had anticipated two solid nights of partying this week did not get what they expected. Celebrations were scheduled for Tuesday to mark the end of election season and its accompanying annoyances, and most students planned to spend the next evening reveling in the glory of our superiority to Dook.

Unfortunately, none of that really panned out. Luckily, the DTH’s Depressing Shit We Already Knew Desk was there to remind us of the low morale on campus with their enlightening article entitled “Franklin Street Quiet After Loss.” To make matters worse, everyone we know above the Mason-Dixon line has been out of class for five days or so thanks to the snowpacalypse.

The Depressing Shit We Already Knew Desk was “straight on fireeee” Thursday, publishing yet another uplifting and informative article entitled “Recession Affecting Young People’s Minds.” This gem opened by telling us, “The current generation of college students lack confidence in its financial stability and other key areas due to the ongoing recession.” Wow, we had no idea.

Shruti Shah, however, still went out pretty hard on Tuesday night. Shah, who will be competing in next Tuesday’s runoff election, was spotted at Top O’ around 1 AM. Shah and her campaign staff were reportedly chatting it up at the bar with Christian Lander, the author of the hilarious and hugely successful blog-turned-book, Stuff White People Like.

Number 7 on Christian Lander's list of Stuff White People Like: diversity.

Lander, who sources say is just as funny in person as he is online, was so impressed with Shah’s platform that he decided to officially endorse Shruti Shah for Student Body President. Maybe he and Oprah will come to the Student Inaugural Ball?  Do they have one of those here?  They must.  We have a Student Attorney General, for God’s sake!

Hogan Medlin’s campaign, meanwhile, has devised some creative ways to ensure good communication between Medlin and his campaign staff. As revealed in the front page photograph in Wednesday’s DTH, Medlin’s campaign manager Chris Bakke has had his head surgically attached to Hogan’s shoulder!

Oh hey, Chris Bakke.

“It’s just a different ball game this year,” one Medlin staffer said. “Yes, it might mean surgery. But it’s crucial that we be able to keep in contact with Hogan at all hours of the day.  Sometimes, you just have to make a few sacrifices.”

In case the DTH version didn’t do it for you, here’s a pie chart of the SBP election results. By the way, our endorsees for Senior Class Officers, Jiz and Lustin’, were, according to the DTH, “tapped.” We think that means they won. Congrats!

Break me off a piece of that.

We picked the creepiest pictures we could find. Nothing, however, parallels the creepiness of Akon’s new hit “Nosy Neighbor.” (Thanks for introducing us to this, FratMusic.com.) Since when is voyeurism up there with bling, bitches and blow in the hierarchy of acceptable hip-hop topics?

Akon further weirded us out by referring to underwear as “drawers” in the song. Who says that? And no, Akon, you don’t get poetic license; you’re not a poet.

The hand of the four-year-old who drew our graph and the election results have at least one thing in common: they’re a little shaky. Not only were students overwhelmed with choices when they found out they could select their own voting districts, but the bigger mystery yet to be solved is the case of 300 missing ballots.

Detective/BOE Chairman Peter Gillooly was called to the scene, only to find the Board of Elections office littered with flying papers after students had filled them out and shoved them under the door. (Paper-under-the-door is the BOE’s very accurate plan B in case the online voting system has a hiccup, which happened Tuesday.) Disappointed students still bitter about last year’s real presidential elections lamented the fact that there was no button for them to vote for Giuliani.

Detective Gillooly presented the list of usual suspects, with ITS taking the top slot. ITS representatives were last sighted waggling the blame finger in the direction of the BOE office. In the midst of this quarrel, Gillooly assumed his second day job as Pope Peter IV, hoping divine intervention could quell the dispute. Students of UNC have been advised to be on the watch for white smoke coming out of the chimney of the BOE office, signaling a resolution has been made.

Oh, okay, you were an extra in Angels and Demons.

ITS stated later that they did not understand the issue with the elections, citing that the election software ran just as efficiently as their other magnum opus, the ONYEN email server.

That’s it for now. Sorry we failed on Funny Link Friday, but we will be resurrecting it as Funny Link Sunday. Failed rhyme schemes are better than almost alliterations anyway. And “Overheard at UNC” will be back with a vengeance as well.

We still don't understand why you guys agreed to this.

Today’s Daily Tar Heel added yet another masterpiece to its portfolio of ridiculous and unflattering photographs, juxtaposing them with the same poorly-lit SBP candidate headshots that they ran last week, in case we had forgotten how bad they were. We weren’t sure if they were going for humor in the track start photo or if they were just trying to redeem the horrible pun in the accompanying headline (“Race to the Finish”). Either way, Nash Keune’s game face gave us a good laugh.

Getting ready for the 100-yard Nash

With this photograph, the DTH also succeeded in deceiving its readers as to what Shruti Shah’s actual ethnicity is. This is at least the second photo they’ve run in which she appears distinctly Asian. We’re not sure where this falls in the realm of political correctness and nonpartisan journalism, but there has to be some rule against changing someone’s ethnicity.

Chairman Shah?

As we write this, the creator of one of our favorite blogs, Stuff White People Like, is speaking in the Great Hall of the Union. Yeah, we didn’t know about this either.  Thanks, DTH, for relegating the article to page 3 so you could run that silly photograph.

Traditionally, the editorial board of the DTH is responsible for advising the student body on which candidate to pick, and the rest of the paper’s staff remains militantly impartial. However, the University Desk ran a piece today telling readers how to vote. Oh. Oops. It was actually just a giant box explaining how Student Central works, in case readers had somehow made it through their many semesters at UNC without ever using the site.

Much like yesterday’s story “Student Elections Voting Based on Personalities”, today’s headliner was evidently also written by a staffer of the Shit We Already Knew Desk. It assured readers that the SBP race is, in fact, an election: “But it will end today like any other election season – with a vote.” Thank god. Given the antics of the campaigners in the pit, we were afraid the Board of Elections had gotten lazy and decided to determine the winner based on who can shout the loudest, à la ancient Sparta.

Actually, for some, today might not end up with a vote because the Board of Elections has managed to screw it up again, compounded by what appears to be a chronic inability to take responsibility for things: “It’s out of my control…I have nothing to do with it,” Board of Elections Chairman Pete Gillooly said in a DTH online article posted this evening. Let’s just hope this guy is never your baby daddy, given the outstanding sense of accountability he clearly has. Plus, your spawn’s last name would then be Gillooly. Sa-weeeet.

Awww, look how cute Jiz and Lustin' are!

In the midst of our thorough research and arduous deliberations regarding our Student Body President endorsement, we totally forgot to endorse a pair of candidates for Senior Class Officers. Given their sweet rap video, this was a no-brainer. However, since we take ourselves so seriously, we think it is our duty to go ahead and make an official endorsement of Lustin’ and Jiz for Senior Class Officers. In case you’re not dyslexic, that’s Justin and Liz. Justin Tyler. Liz Deane. Not to be confused with other candidate duo Justin (Webb) and Tyler (Aiken) who are apparently out to steal Justin Tyler’s identity. The Board of Elections should have a rule against that or something.

The election results will be announced tonight at 11 PM-ish in Carroll 111. All will be revealed as the candidates and their campaign troupes sit in uncomfortably close proximity to each other. (Cue the, “Well hey, I never expected to see this group of people in one room together!” jokes.) We look forward to testing the mettle of our ability to pick a winning candidate, but if we didn’t, it’s cool. We would simply join the illustrious company of the Young Democrats, who have managed to endorse a losing candidate every year since 2005.

While you’re waiting with bated breath, you can take your mind off things by playing this thoroughly amusing game, the object of which is to help Tiger Woods elude his golf club-wielding wife. Also, if you get hungry, we just found out that you can cook eggs in the microwave. We don’t know about you, but we think this is nothing short of revolutionary. Apparently Alpine does it all the time to make Good Morning Campers.

Speaking of which, check out this Good Morning Camper on crack/steroids/growth hormones. We can’t even begin to imagine how high you’d have to be to think of this. It’s like Jimmy Dean yacked all over chicken cordon bleu.

A Taco Bell cheesy double beef burrito wrapped in a Jimmy Dean sausage log. What the hell is a sausage log?

His name is Howard.

If you can’t tell by our Facebook default, weird-ass animals are our jam. So, naturally, we were thrilled that a chinchilla was elected as president of Costa Rica today. I hope she can be friends with our chinchilla!

Okay, this chinchilla, Howard, actually belongs to a friend of ours, but we plan to kidnap adopt it soon.

Costa Rica shares the DTHole's passion for small rodents. Above, Laura Chinchilla, Costa Rica's president-elect.

Finally, if you are still looking for a ticket for tomorrow’s Dook game, look no further than this ad on craigslist.com from a guy in need of a fake girlfriend to introduce to his parents and attend the game with them (pictured below). Yes, this is for real. No, we’re not sure why the phantom girlfriend has to be a vegetarian.  Also, since, according to the NYTimes, all the girls in Chapel Hill are so easy, why is this guy having so much trouble? GO HEELS!!!!

P.S. In case you were wondering whatever happened to the Haitian child-snatchers

Monday’s Daily Tar Heel featured a giant front-pager about Youth for Western Civilization President Riley Matheson and why he created a chapter of the organization at UNC’s campus. This quote in particular jumped out at us:

“Your similarities with people are the things that draw you together, which is why YWC doesn’t like the idea of diversity because it doesn’t draw people together, it separates them.”

…Nice. Translation: Riley Matheson hates randomly assigned group projects more than anyone else on campus (which is actually saying something).

We did notice that this newfound publicity caused Matheson to change his Facebook picture (below) from one where he is hooded and pointing a gun at the camera to…ONE OF HIM HOLDING A BABY! We tried to imagine that conversation: “Omgz, great pic! Now, can you hold this gun and hand me that baby? Let’s take another.” We have to say, one comes off way friendlier than the other. And not the gun one, silly. Maybe a PR-track J-School major is in YWC…?

Let's e-mail this transition to the NRA!

Who the HELL is hunting professors?

Readers of the Daily Tar Heel today might have experienced shock and outrage (well, more, that is) at the front page after reading the headline: “UNC aims to fight poaching of faculty”. Few students realized that UNC’s beloved professors were at risk of “poaching,” the practice of taking game or fish illegally, a struggle endured by species such as the rhinoceros, the elephant, and the beautifully ugly, never-to-be forgotten Dodo Bird.

Indeed, Executive Associate Provost Ronald Strauss said in a pull-out quote that “(Poaching) is always a possibility for a university with high-quality faculty.” Well, actually, the DTH said it for him according to the parentheses, but still, numerous students expressed concern about the shockingly overlooked issue.

“I always imagined poachers lived in Africa, like searching for game,” said a female freshman. “I’m freaked out.”

“I wish the poachers would target some of the campus squirrels, instead,” said a male junior. “Are they at least using Pick-A-Prof to decide which professors to poach?”

Hopefully, the University assesses this issue carefully to prevent poachings such as the one pictured below in J-School Professor Chris Roush’s classroom. We only want one thing poached on this campus, and that’s our eggs. (Okay, that one was cheesy, but we couldn’t resist.)

Many poachers seek ivory. Others, UNC faculty.

Sophomore Justin Crowder made it onto our list of the Top 5 Tools on Campus after his Thursday Letter to the Editor in the Daily Tar Heel about the “Prop 8 Musical” in the Pit.

Crowder complained that the three-minute musical (well, song) sponsored by the Young Democrats last Wednesday showed the organization’s “antagonism toward religion and have made it very uncomfortable for Christians to affiliate with their organization.” This was the most articulate sentence in the entire letter — a feat that is, in a tragic way, impressive.

The musical, which was meant to provoke dialogue about California’s Proposition 8, was based on this original one, which is pretty funny as Jack Black plays the role of Jesus. We’re concerned that it was enough to make Crowder “uncomfortable” affiliating with his religion, since we’re pretty sure most people have a more resilient faith than can be shaken by a man also known as Nacho Libre.

After stating that the New Testament says “fornication and homosexuality are considered to be morally wrong,” Crowder condemns the “arrogant bunch that put on this moronic musical.” (Let’s get this straight, Crowder-haha-you don’t remember that the Bible also says to “love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you”?)

Crowder ends his letter with what seems to be an attempt at making a joke, but falls short of both “clever” or “funny” as he writes: “…it is necessary the Young Democrats repudiate religious folk, seeing as heaven ain’t big enough for both Chairman Obama and God.” What does that even mean? We like to think God is down with Obama, for one. Plus, we’re pretty sure that “President” precedes Obama’s name, not Chairman…kind of how “Bag of Douche” should precede Crowder’s.

Of course, we’re not too surprised that Crowder wrote this letter. He works for the Carolina Review (you know, the magazine filled with hateful articles that nobody knew existed until last month), created a Carolina Conservatives social network and led the campaign against the child care services fee. In other words, he consistently lends his support to…not supporting things. Wow, Justin. That sounds really, really productive.

On the bright side, it has earned you a spot on our list of biggest assholes on campus. Although you tag yourself as “Everyone’s Favorite Conservative,” on your comments on the Daily Tar Heel Web site (yes, readers—in quotations, under his own name…wtf?), we think you might be overestimating your popularity. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time you’re wrong.

When we first saw the column headline, “Medicine as seen on TV? Don’t count on it,” on the DTH Opinion page, we were eager to learn about the dangers of buying prescription products based on television advertising (totally intriguing for anyone who’s seen a Valtrex commercial).

Instead, first-year medical student Andrew Moon proceeded to shatter the confidence of the numerous DTH readers who fervently watch prime-time medical dramas for one hour each day in preparation for the MCAT with his straightforward revelations.

Indeed, the column informed students that despite “Meredith’s air of certainty, the abrasive confidence of House, M.D., and the professional looks of ER’s Dr. Banfield, their messages are often faulty.”

Although Moon then presented an impressive and somewhat startling set of statistics about CPR (we really did like those), we hypothesize that Moon very well could have been one of the students who make this realization too late.

A high-ranking professor at An Ivy League University shared with us that two out of ten first-year medical students experience a psychological reaction called Medical Drama to Real Life Distortion (MDRLD). Experts warn this condition will only spike sharply in a few years as those born after September, 1994 (the month and year in which ER premiered), begin applying to medical school.

We, in fact, are somewhat stunned that in the real world, icicles cannot pierce your stomach after you slip to the ground and your 120 pounds reverberate enough to make it fall, then requiring intense surgery (Grey’s, this season is so stupid.)

He parts with readers lamenting: “It’d be nice if TV producers went back to the golden ages when the American Medical Association reviewed scripts for accuracy. But unfortunately making money is now the priority, and sexy storylines trump truth.”

Thank you, Mr. Moon.

DTH Editor-in-Chief Allison Nichols left an angry voicemail and emailed one of our main writers last night–while we were out getting hammered like normal college students–threatening legal action against the Daily Tar Hole for writing she called “defamatory” and “libelous.” Ironically, only one week ago, Ms. Nichols called the same writer and asked for the Daily Tar Hole to “promote the Daily Tar Heel” and requested a biweekly column on Fridays from us. Worry not, readers: we’re not sellouts. We’re just intrigued to see what happens when a person who is not in the news-editorial sequence at the J-School edits the student newspaper… It does, of course, lead to publications like this one. Stay tuned for our article about how many editors, assistant editors and columnists have left the Daily Tar Heel under Ms. Nichols’ leadership. After all, unlike the Daily Tar Heel, we’re all about full disclosure.

And check out this cartoon a reader submitted to us:

Free tickets, of course.

Ron Bilbao in a moment of reflection.

The Student Body President election results in favor of Jasmin Jones surprised students this morning, many of whom expected a landslide win in favor of Thomas Edwards. In fact, few seemed more surprised at the victory than DQ-ed candidate Ron Bilbao in the Daily Tar Heel’s front page article today:

“In multiple e-mails sent out to all students who voted in last week’s election, the [losing] quartet encouraged their original followers to vote for Jones the second time around. ‘Honest to God, I can’t believe that actually worked. I can’t believe we actually pulled it off,’ Bilbao said.

‘She took down the machine. She took down the Terminator. It’s the David versus Goliath.’”

Machine? Terminator? David versus Goliath? We thought Bilbao might be on crack, but believe it is more likely that he is just an asshole with a severe and debilitating condition which prevents him from creating effective metaphors. (In shorthand, some refer to this as “stupidity.”) We’re pretty sure–or at least, we hope–nobody but Bilbao viewed the race this way, and felt lesser for having seen his anti-Carolina Way thoughts in print.

For those who ponder the truth in Bilbao’s statements, here’s a picture of Edwards volunteering in Ghana this past summer:

God, what a great person

In conclusion, we feel it was shoddy journalism on behalf of the DTH to continue featuring quotes from Bilbao instead of the other losing candidates during the past few days, considering he was disqualified last Tuesday. Now that the election is over, we hope we can stop reading about this tool.

To lighten the mood, here’s our Link of the Day: The longer you look at it, the funnier it gets.

Excuse our weak poetry skills. Sophomore Brett Kessler complained in a Daily Tar Heel Letter to the Editor yesterday that giving roses to female students at Lenoir Dining Hall on Valentine’s Day was “divisive,” “disrespectful,” and unfair, criticizing that male students had to ask for them.

He also said, “the practice of a male handing roses to unknown females has a sexual undertone,” causing most of us at the Daily Tar Hole to feel creepy about Lenoir as we stared at the page in confusion. We bring it up because the letter is presently the 2nd most popular story on the DTH Web site. As a testament to overall student intelligence, the “Edwards vs. Jones” article managed to trump it, but still, we were impressed.

What we particularly enjoyed were the 13 online comments, which ranged from: “Shut up,” to “Is this satire? He can’t be serious…” to what we felt was the most appropriate, “I got bigger problems.”

After checking out this Brett Kessler fellow on Facebook, we couldn’t help but notice the many postings on his Wall about his popular letter.

After a friend asked for the unedited version, he commented back: “Just know that I mostly complained that it was sexist to assume that only women would enjoy roses, or that all women would enjoy roses, when men were clearly going all-out to get them. I also called the guy handing them out a redhead in a cheap tuxedo who gave obligatory nods to men. That’s it!”

Wow, Brett Kessler. Our first thought was that maybe you’re this overly-sensitive dude that felt really hurt about not getting a flower. But the part that we put in bold made it pretty clear that you are kind of a dick. We’re not sure why you’re writing a letter about gender equality and fairness, when you just demeaned the guy handing out flowers. Still though, 2nd most popular story…we’re just looking forward to tomorrow when the election results come in (we voted Edwards) and this is pushed into the archives.

(Oh and to counter Brett’s cynicism and to revive your brain cells, here’s our Link of the Day: “Kittens, inspired by…Kittens!“)