Seeing as how it was the glorious advent of our birthday yesterday, we got to thinking. We are supposed to be here to call out all the ridiculous things that have been happening on campus, and we haven’t been doing that. We’ve been letting you down, dear readers.
Fear not, minions. Here comes a post that is just pregnant with all the minisodes that make up the big soap opera that is UNC. With a splash of DOOK added, too! Let us assure you, we will NEVER publish something from a DOOK student in our esteemed publication, not like those fiends at the Daily Tar Heel did this morning. (In case you missed it, here’s the letter to Andrew Dunn from a DOOK history major.)
Well to start off, students rejoice! UNC will now be providing you with another chance to further clog your arteries and build up your fat stores for the impending ice age with our favorite pigtailed ginger (no, not Nash Keune), but Wendy herself! After some shady dealings and secret meetings involving the installment of the creator of The Frosty, students attempted to rally and buck the corporate system. Sorry, kids but you can’t fight the corporate brunt of fast food.
Our favorite response was the valiant attempts of the Facebook group, “More Fast Food on Campus?”, where our favorite wall post was tragically removed. If you missed it, the eloquent Austin C. Campobianco really hit the nail on the head with his quip “Taco Bell All Day Every Day Don’t Give a Fuck.” We need more people like this in our lives. Austin, we will gladly share a cheap meal of grade-d meat with you anyday. Flatbread cradles three, anybody? And by the way, where the hell did Taco Bell take their original gorditas? This chicken ranch shit is for salads; Supreme, Santa Fe and Fiesta FTW.
Speaking of shady dealings involving food, we’ll move to a more pork-laden subject and discuss the erstwhile dealings of our lovely Student Government (bad joke, sorry.) Recently, Hogan Medlin has been undertaking one of his first tasks as SBP — choosing his official Cabinet. And forgive us for the obvious pun, but the problems are already coming out of the woodwork.
In case you didn’t read the Daily Tar Heel article about Medlin’s “effective” picks, here it is. The only thing effective about this Cabinet, though, is how effectively some were able to weasel their way through. If you were planning on applying for the Cabinet, you send in your application and it gets reviewed — or so Deanna Santoro, Chelsea Miller, and Cierra Hinton thought. Team Hogan’s selection committee decided pre-emptively to continue the search for Hogan’s secretary before reviewing the original applications they were presented with (maybe they were trying to destroy the stereotype of the lady secretary, as so eloquently pointed out in a recent kvetch about the College Republicans and their affinity for female secretaries.)
In an eleventh-hour move, Jonathan “the cinch-hitter” Tuggman calls up none other than Ian Lee, begging him to complete the secretary application with his one remaining hour to apply. We mean eleventh-hour literally this time; it was 11:00 at night. Lee, who is also a member of the obnoxiously-politically-correct Class of 2012 Commissioners, completed the application and was subsequently selected for the position. Well, all’s fair in love and Cabinet selections. Maybe Deanna Santoro can call them out with all her attempts to pass the Sunshine Act of Student Government. In her attempts to make StudGov “more inclusive and transparent”, maybe she’ll let us apply for a Congressional Appointment! Deanna, expect our application in your inbox soon. Every organization needs a fair and nonpartisan chronicler of the deeds.
Going back to the original problem we had with the DTH today, it’s infiltration by Duke. What the heck is going on here?
All of this seems a little shifty to us, probably because it’s Duke, but here’s the basic jist we’re getting of the situation. Justin Robinette was probably doing a half-assed job of being the Chairman for the Duke College Republicans, most likely spreading jam on important documents and racking up the phone bills with long, late-night calls to Tom Tancredo (insert flying brick here.) The belligerent Duke CRs were already trying to fire his ass and were just too slow to do it before he came out. If you want to see their actual reasons for firing him, check out this word document.
What they didn’t include in the document, however, was some of Robinette’s supposed “shopping sprees”. During a North Carolina Federation of College Republicans convention in March, Robinette supposedly made a trip to the local Vineyard Vines shop, buying himself lots of fancy clothing with little whale prints. Later, he supposedly submitted these Vineyard Vines receipts to the Duke College Republicans for reimbursement….we’re not sure how he passed off Vineyard Vines as Republican business, but….
In an update from the Chronicle, it seems that the Duke StudGov Judiciary Committee ruled 3-1 in the case that Robinette was not discriminated against. Looks like they listened to the letter this morning from UNC College Republicans Chair Anthony Dent, coauthored by Duke College Republicans Chair Carter Boyle. Again, since when are we working in cahoots with Duke? We don’t like the cosigned nature of this letter at all; in fact, Dent is probably passing UNC secrets over to the Duke CRs like Jane Fonda in 1970 Vietnam.
Thanks for staying with us this far. Go out and enjoy 25 cent beers at Deep End, or at least enjoy these links, which are just as cheap:
Oh hell no, hipsters.
On the subject of hipsters
The We Dislike DOOK link
NY Subway has a sense of humor
Wendy’s supporters, here is your fate.
IN other news, Madonna on Glee tonight?
Idiot Apple employee/graduate of NC State loses the next generation iPhone in a bar. That’s what an NC State education gets you!
